Project 52 Week 26

I love this time of year when I can sit out on my porch reading a book or writing my book. Every so often though I look up at the sky and think, "wow! That is gorgeous!" and I hop off my chair and run for my camera hoping I'm not too late to get to the field before losing the light. I wonder if my husband ever pokes his head out the door looking for me?

Sixteen Years???

Happy Anniversary Brett!

Sixteen years ago today as we waited and waited for Brett to show up at the temple my sisters teased me that he was driving in the opposite direction. I think some days he may have wished he had but he would NEVER admit that to my face - only mutter it under his breath if he knows what is good for him. :)

I on the other hand know what a great deal I got in marrying him and am thankful that he finally DID show up and took the plunge. He has survived the steel business despite getting caught on a sharp hook and setting himself on fire. He has also survived being married to me (so far). I'm not sure which is more dangerous. That remains to be seen.

In sixteen more years our lives will be dramatically different. At least I hope so. I hope our children won't still be crying, fighting, and living with us. It is my dream that they will be well-adjusted adults going to school, dating wonderful women and living in their own places. Hey! A mom can dream right???

Project 52 Week 25

Normally I am the one who whips out the camera when I see a photo op. On Father's Day, however, it was my husband who insisted I take this picture. We had just finished having the great breakfast that I had made for Brett for Father's Day which took longer than I expected and we were running behind on time. We rushed the kids off to get ready for 9:00 o'clock church. Wannabe came up from his room to get our stamp of approval on his church clothes and this is what we saw...

Brett laughed and said to him,"look at your pants! Those can't possibly be yours... they are practically at your knees."

"But they were in my laundry pile," he replied. As if that should justify him wearing them to church.

Brett tried again, "When you put them on couldn't you tell they were too short?"

"But they were in my laundry pile," Wannabe said again. Like don't you get it dad? If something is in your laundry pile it means it is YOURS. Duh!

I told him to take the pants off and check the tag for the size. He took them off and saw that they were 5T. Wannabe wears size 8. "ohhhhhhh," he said. "Giggles must have put them in my pile when he folded laundry. They WERE really tight in the waist."

Kids.

It's Life Captain, But Not as We Know it

When I was a little kid I always rolled my eyes when my dad was in front of the t.v. He watched the dumbest shows. Like westerns, war movies, and Star Trek with William Shatner. How dumb. That pea green uniform and his serious expression on his face as they faced untold dangers on alien planets. "It's life Captain, but not as we know it," was one of the sayings from Star Trek. If you know me then you know that I love Star Trek, science fiction and science fiction fantasy.

As I sat down to my computer this afternoon and my mind was in a fog, that Star Trek quote came to my mind. My kids are much more resilient that I am with the changes in our house. I think kids are more resilient in general. They are playing with friends, playing video games and keeping busy with summer activities. They still miss Sunshine - they ask about her, wishing she was here, hoping for visits, and hoping she comes back for good.

And don't think that I have nothing to do... my house is screaming at me to pay attention to it. The laundry room couldn't contain much more, my filing room is embarrassingly full with a couple of years full of bills, bank records etc. that have to be put away, and I won't even tell you what my bedroom looks like. I'm surprised my kids haven't used MY room as an excuse not to clean theirs!

I finished off my first diet Coke and have cracked open a second in the hopes of perking up (in other words I'm hoping the caffeine will kick this 2-day headache). Reading Crash's blog always brings a smile to my face. But it isn't easy is it? To keep on going through the daily routine of life when something - someone - so important is missing. When that person who occupied the biggest part of your day is no longer there. And that's what I mean by "it's life Captain, but not as we know it". What I know is gone.

I don't think my brain has really accepted that. I don't think it is ready to yet. Some things hurt to much and are too painful that you just lock them away until you are ready to take them out and look at them and say - okay, I can deal with this now. I do think that we surprise ourselves at times like these. I see so many examples around me of people who have made it and who are making it through tough situations.

I made it through before and I can again.

Reality

I'll never understand how life just keeps on going when you experience loss. You think that the world should just stop.

Even for just a moment

But it doesn't. It keeps on revolving. The bills keep rolling in, the sun keeps rising, the rain keeps coming (or in our case the floods keep rising), the boys keep fighting (nothing seems to stop that) and reality t.v. keeps finding new ways to jam up the stations with inane ideas. If they want a truly entertaining reality t.v. family they should follow my parents and my brother...THAT'S reality t.v. at its finest. I only wish I had been there to see them stuck in my dad's car on the far side of the gas station with the powerlocks not working, my mother yelling for help and my dad lifting his feet ready to smash out the window because his claustrophobia was kicking in. And all the while my brother is laughing at them hysterically. If they had only known the trick they could have gotten out at any moment.

I wish I knew the trick. But sometimes there is no trick to get out quick of the situation you are in. Sometimes you are just stuck yelling for help or you feel so frustrated you are ready to kick that front windshield out. Other times though, if you are lucky, you can be the person in the back seat looking on at the absurdity of the situation and just have a really good laugh.

I am lucky to have Brett who is my happy person in the back seat. He is often laughing at things and helps me smile when I'm sad, mad, frustrated, disappointed etc. Of course there are also my sisters who are backseat laughers too. They know the right things to say to make me smile.

Life may not go as we plan it but if we have faith, hope and a little bit of humor we can make it through.

Project 52 Week 22

When life is difficult or chaotic I love to turn to nature. It brings peace to look at the beautiful things in nature, their complexities, their colors and marvel at the wonder of creation. I have always been terrified at the thought of riding a horse (although I finally did it for the first time two years ago). Yet despite my fear of horses, I think they are beautiful and magnificent animals.

Gone but not forgotten

I'm so grateful for the beautiful day yesterday. As usual Sunshine began her morning shouting, "mom! Mom! Mom!" Brett opened her door and she hopped into bed with me to squeeze me tight with lots of hugs and kisses and say "love you mom". She tickled me on my neck and and tickled Brett then asked for "brefast".

After breakfast I had the boys draw her pictures to pack up in her Dora backpack to take home with her to her other mom's. Giggles picture said "bye" on it with a beautiful flower. Wannabe drew lightning because everything he draws must have something sharp whether it is teeth or claws.

Then we headed outside to enjoy the sunshine. They rode bikes and played basketball. Sheriff very carefully took Sunshine for a ride on his bike up and down the sidewalk. Thank goodness for the cushioning of diapers. I was crossing my legs as I watched her sitting on the bar of the bike but she was having a blast.

After naps we headed to a local art festival to take in the booths. I loved the local artists but the kids were more interested in the homemade mini-doughnuts and the ital-ice, not to mention their impatience as they waited to reach the inflatable slides and bounce house. Even the boys went on the princess bouncehouse/slide which shocked me. They will do anything if it means having fun with their sister.

We had some time to play in the backyard on the swings and slide and had fun watching boys show off their ability to jump as high and as far as they could and watch Sunshine slide down on her belly.

Friday night is pizza/movie night so we returned home to enjoy some pizza together and vote on a movie. The vote was for Star Wars Clone Wars. All too soon however it was time to give Sunshine hugs and tell her goodbye. Brett put her in her carseat and I drove the 1/2 hour to her mom's home singing Primary songs and talking to her to keep myself from crying. I'm so proud of myself as I managed to do the drive and talk to her mom without crying in front of my little girl. I didn't want to upset her. I wanted it to be a positive transition for her.

I made it two blocks before the tears fell. I'm not so tough after all.

Her clothes are gone, her toys are gone, and her bed is empty but she is in my thoughts, she is in my prayers, she is in my heart.

She is my Sunshine.