Only two and a half more days to go before Sunshine leaves us again and I fear that I am no closer to resolving my conflicting emotions. That's why I haven't posted sooner. I want to be brave, I want to be strong and have people look at me and think "wow! what a great example of making it through adversity." But although I have faith in my Heavenly Father, I'm still very angry.
There. I said it. I'm angry. I'm angry that the system failed Sunshine. I'm angry that people who should have been on her side - weren't. I'm angry that there were too many assumptions made that contributed to her case failing. I can't expect Heavenly Father to do all of the work if the people around don't do what is in their realm of responsibility to do. Unfortunately, it was all out of my hands and in the hands of other people. That is why I am angry. I did all that I could do and it wasn't enough - I had to let others do their jobs, and they didn't. As a result I lose my foster daughter.
At the same time though I am grateful. Grateful to be surrounded by a kind ward and great neighbors. They know how to listen, they cheer me up with flowers and notes and give the best hugs.
When I open my scriptures, when I turn on the BYU devotionals, the words are tailored just for what I need at that very moment. I know the Lord is sending me words of comfort... words of encouragement... words of peace. And although this is not a trial that I expected or would choose for myself, or for my family, it is one we are facing nonetheless. Such is life. We must face it head on together and either let it break us or bring us together. I choose bring us together.
And although I hope for the best for Sunshine's parents - that they can truly change their lives - she is my daughter too ... so I can't help but hope that she will return to us again. It isn't easy living with conflicting feelings. But that's what happens when you are a foster parent. You cherish what you have because you don't know how long you will have it. You remind yourself that maybe all you get is the satisfaction of knowing that you gave them a safe home for a little while for you may never see them again.
But you still hope that one day...
7 comments:
Robin, if it gives you any hope I was with my mom and dad from the time I was 2.5 yrs old. It was not until I was 4.5 that they got the permission to adopt me (finalized a year later).
Hugs sweetie.
I am so speechless. Just know my stone cold heart is bawling like a baby for you.
virtual HUGE hugs.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can't imagine how hard this must be...one of my worst nightmares and the reason I am afraid to be a foster parent even though I really want to be.
God bless you.
April, I am so sorry. This is one of the most unfair things I have ever heard of. To loose her once, unforgivable, but to loose her the second time, inconceivable. I just don't even know what to say. I have to believe that some day probably in the next life, this will be made up to you.
Wait, Robin, why on earth did I call you April. Sorry about that girl, just shows how upset I am for you, can't even remember your name.
Thanks for all the encouragement, hugs and support. It means so much to me and helps lift me up. I seem to hear and read the right things at the moments when I need them the most. They are answers to my prayers.
You are my hero. You have handled this with such grace. You have loved Sunshine and given her the stability that she needed. I know in my heart that she will have a recollection of the time spent with your family. Love you!
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